England face a tricky World Cup 2014 qualifying match on Friday when they welcome European superpower….not really, they play San Marino.

Home: 1/100 (Every man and his dog – I'm not wasting five minutes of my life listing them)

Draw: 113/1 (Betfair)

Away: 322/1 (Betfair)

San Marino. The very definition of minnow. One of the few teams remaining who make a mockery of every lazy pundit's favourite international football cliché: “there's no easy games at this level any more”. The last time they scored an away goal was in 2003 when they managed two to draw with fellow footballing midgets Liechtenstein in a friendly. Since then their away record reads played 22, won 0, drawn 0, lost 22, goals for 0, goals against 131. That's 131 without reply ladies and jellyspoons. An impressive average of a little under 6 conceded per game, or one every 15 minutes or so if you prefer. Their heaviest defeat during this period came against dope smoking chokers Holland last September. It was 11-0.

Let's be honest, there's more chance of Ashley Cole getting the hang of Twitter than there is of San Marino getting anything from this game. But England are a best priced 1/100. Unless you are a bored billionaire then this price is likely to hold as much appeal as taking the job of 'Jimmy Savile Memorial Children's Charitable Trust Manager'. I am eternally grateful that my ham fisted attempts to engineer free Star Wars figures by writing to ask for him to fix it for me to go to the factory where they are made failed, and didn't result in his ham fists anywhere near the nine year old me. When I think of Bill Clinton's enterprising use of a cigar during his comparatively tame sexual misadventures… Well, let's just say it doesn't bear thinking about.

If you take a look at the FIFA world rankings, you'll find San Marino are 207^th. To give some context, Moldova, the last tiddlers we spanked five nothing in their back yard, are 145^th. That said, on that same list England are in 5^th, ahead of Holland, Uruguay and Italy in 6^th 7^th and 8^th respectively, and you have to go down past another 8 teams to reach Brazil in 14^th spot. And of course everyone knows that the man in charge of said list, Sepp Blatter, is an utter tool. For other pointers to the likely outcome, Finland, Holland, Hungary, Poland and Belgium all managed 8-0 or better against San Marino during their 22 away game losing streak, although Germany and Spain only managed 6-0 and 5-0 respectively. Maybe they park the bus against the bigger teams.

If you absolutely, positively must bet on this game, I would suggest that the only value to be found is in the overs market, but even then it's not exactly mouthwatering. Bet365 go 9/4 for over 7.5 goals, whilst if you think the Three Lions can get close to emulating the Dutch then 4/1 for over 8.5 goals might hold some appeal (there are no markets I can find for any higher total goals).

Personally, I'd swerve this game altogether from a betting standpoint and take my colleague Ronnie Keir's advice to get some money down on Scotland at the 17/10 generally available. They play a shambolic Wales team who have lost their last four on the spin at home scoring zero goals, and who lost 6-1 away to Serbia most recently. Wales will also be missing Craig Bellamy and may well be relying on an injured and unfit Gareth Bale who has barely trained ahead of this one. Scotland welcome back Fletchers Darren and more importantly Steven, and will be desperate to get a result in a home international after a difficult period.

England vs San Marino Betting Tips

Don't bother with a punt on the England game, have a bet on Scotland to beat Wales at 17/10 (Betfred)

,,,but if you must, I wouldn't dissuade you from a teeny punt on over 7.5 goals at 9/4 or over 8.5 goals at 4/1, both Bet365 prices.

England vs San Marino Best Betting Bonuses

Betfred – free £50         Bet365 – free £200          Sky Bet – free £10 (no deposit)          Bet Victor – free £25           Bwin – free £20