Diary of a Punter: New Role as a Call Girl

As a seasoned gambler I should know by now when to a) hold ‘em, b)  fold ‘em, and c) walk away. I clearly don’t. I’m fat, ugly and worthless. I’m also a spiky-haired lesbian from Gravesend.

I might as well be anyway. I went BIG last weekend off the back of a small profit in midweek. I got way too excited and staked my entire kitty. Not only fingers burnt but hands and arms too. Before the 3pm kick-offs on Saturday I was already significantly behind. Derby games are freaky motherfu*kers and always will be, I knew this but ignored it. Form went out the window at Palace and Sheffield Wednesday and it’s completely my fault. Arsenal screwed everyone – they were actually worse than Norwich and a United clean sheet is rarer than a muslim in a bookies. I should have known better. I lost serious money at the weekend. Breaking Bad:

Sheffield Wednesday v Leeds – 2.5pts: OVER 2.5 GOALS – 5/6 -2.50

1pt: LEEDS TO WIN – 23/10 -1.00

0.5pts: LEEDS TO WIN BY ONE GOAL – 4/1 -0.50

0.5pts: LEEDS HT/FT – 9/2 -0.50

Crystal Palace v Millwall – 2pts: CRYSTAL PALACE TO WIN – 11/10 -2.00

1.5pts: BOTH TEAMS TO SCORE – 8/11 +2.59

Norwich v Arsenal – 1.5pts: ARSENAL TO WIN (-1) – 6/4 -1.50

       0.5pts: ARSENAL TO WIN BOTH HALVES – 11/4 -0.50

Man United v Stoke – 2pts: UNITED TO WIN “TO NIL” – 20/19 -2.00

       0.2pts: RAFAEL TO SCORE FIRST – 28/1 -0.20

       0.3pts: RAFAEL TO SCORE ANYTIME – 9/1 -0.30

West Ham v Southampton – 3pts: BOTH TEAMS TO SCORE – 4/6 +5.00

     0.5pts: OVER 3.5 GOALS – 9/5 +1.40

      1pt: KEVIN NOLAN TO SCOREANYTIME – 12/5 +3.40

QPR v Everton – 2.5pts: OVER 2.5 GOALS – 10/11 -0.25

0.5pts: EVERTON TO WIN HT/FT – 11/4 -0.50

16 bets, Stake 20.00, Returns 12.39

Weekend Profit/loss:  -7.61 (-38%)

Total Profit/loss (from a starting kitty of 11.25pts): +1.14 (+10%)

As you can see (after a run from hell) my profit for the season stands at an almighty 10%. Please make this pain stop. I was on about Regulating. I was on about Mounting Up. What a mug. On horse? Off horse? Back on horse? Horse rested? Fuck the horse! The horse is glue. Here are my bets for midweek.

Tuesday 23rd October

Bristol City v Burnley

Map checked. Burnley is nowhere near Bristol. We are good to go. As is often the way, one of the bets I looked at before the weekend but chose not to have was Charlie Austin (12 goals in 10 games this season) to score against Blackpool. Obviously he did but I won’t miss the boat again here. Both these sides have let in 22 goals each in 11 games (total goals per game averages: 3.82 and 4.0) and there should be chances galore for Big Chaz to add to his total here. Ok, Burnley kept their second clean sheet of the season on Saturday (against a Blackpool side firing blanks left, right and centre (Bristol City yet to keep one)) but surely this game will produce a bukkake full. Sorry I meant bucketful. Goal city bitch. Both teams to score fails to appeal at odds of 1/2 but I’m happy to buy shitloads.

2.5pts: CHARLIE AUSTIN TO SCORE ANYTIME – 11/8 with Boylesports

2pts: OVER 3.5 GOALS  – 33/20 with SportingBet

0.5pts: OVER 4.5 GOALS – 4/1 with SportingBet

Peterborough v Huddersfield

Peterborough fans are well known for smearing dogshit all over their faces the silly sods. They stopped doing this for a while but have starting doing it again and have lost their last two 1-0 (form: LLLLLLLWWLL). When the team rock-bottom play the team in third (two wins on the spin, and won their last three away games) there should only be one outcome here. Away win. Huddersfield have been in front at HT in 8 out of their 11 games this season and should aim to continue this trend here against a crap Peterborough side who are yet to win a point at home.

1pt: HUDDERSFIELD TO WIN – 7/5 with StanJames and William Hill

1pt: HUDDERSFIELD HT/FT – 16/5 with Coral

Shakhtar Donetsk v Chelsea

Donetsk. What a shithole. But by Christ have they got a team who can play there. Shakhtar’s form is scary (P12 W12 GD+32 in the league). So scary in fact I would not like to back Chelsea (no matter how good they look recently) to travel that far and get a result. What I am pretty certain of is Shakhtar scoring (only failed to score at home once since May 2011). Chelsea have only kept two clean sheets away from home this season (v QPR and Nordsaelland). BTTS looks good to me as does a small punt on Shakhtar forward Henrikh Mkhitaryan (14 goals in 12 games) to score first. Chelsea dont concede many but when they do they are coming mostly in the first half of games. Shakhtar should attack Chelsea from the off and if they do score first, he’s the man in form.

2pts: BOTH TEAMS TO SCORE – 3/4 with bWin

0.6pts: MKHITARYAN TO SCORE FIRST – 7/1 with Ladbrokes

0.4pts: MKHITARYAN TO SCORE ANYTIME – 9/4 with Ladbrokes

I’m not the biggest fan of accumulative betting but fcuk it, the form I’m in I’ll try anything:

Champions League Accumulator:
Man United v Braga, (Portuguese are only good at home. I can’t take mine anywhere)
Lille v Bayern Munich, (Lille have got worse, Munich look stronger)
Ajax v Man City, (City need a win like they did on Saturday. Got the squad to get one)
Arsenal v Schalke 04, (Arsenal won’t play that badly twice. Good at home in Europe)
Porto v Kiev (Porto strong at home, Kiev don’t travel well)

1pt: 10.87/1 with BetVictor

Championship Treble:
Peterborough v Huddersfield, (see above write-up)
Leicester v Brighton, (denied 6 wins on the spin by supercat Jack Butland at the weekend)
Barnsley v Palace, (dropped 4 pts in 8 games and were 2-0 up on Sat. Red card changed the game)

1pt: 13.14/1 with BetVictor

Best of luck everybody betting this midweek. Let’s hope you have more luck than I’ve been having recently. Faking my own suicide is becoming a real option.

I love you all and I MISS HER

Tweet me @Drtwerp to mug me off