Diary of a Punter: Our Very Own Super Storm Battering the Bookies

I’d like to say I’ve stayed strong and not been betting this week. Old habits die hard however and I have been impulse-betting like a bitch. Snooker in China? Tennis in Taipeng? Darts in fcuk-knows-where? I’m an 8am expert on the lot.

After a fantastic weekend (see below) and with only the nutty league cup and Serie A to play with I decided to give leave the football alone this week. Foot off the gas I have been able to enjoy 7-5s, 5-4s, long walks with the cat, cook-outs in the yard, tailgate parties in the parking lot, Hurricane Sanjay, and I finished a Monica/Chandler mash up I was working on. Incredibly, I wrote last weekend’s diary whilst out of my head at a sex party. Here is how I got on last week:

Stoke v Sunderland – 2 pts: SUNDERLAND TO WIN (DRAW NO BET) – 21/10 NO BET +2.00

Bristol City v Hull – 1.5 pts: OVER 2.5 GOALS – 5/6 +2.75

    0.2 pts: HT DRAW, FT HULL – 11/2 +1.30

Middlesbrough v Bolton – 1pt: BORO TO WIN – 13/8 +2.62

Everton v Liverpool – 0.2pts: NO GOALSCORER – 21/2 -0.2

       0.8 pts: BOTH TEAMS TO SCORE: NO – 6/5 -0.8

Southampton v Spurs – 1pt: GARETH BALE TO SCORE ANYTIME – 2/1 +3.00

       0.2 pts: BALE TO SCORE A HAT TRICK – 66/1 -0.2

Chelsea v Man United – 2 pts: BOTH TEAMS TO SCORE – 8/13 +3.23

             2 pts: OVER 2.5 GOALS – 8/11 +3.45

10 bets, Stake 10.90, Returns 18.35

Weekend Profit/loss: +7.45 (+68 %)

Total Profit/loss (from a starting kitty of 11.25pts): +13.83 (+123%)

An 11/2, a 13/8 and a 2/1. And there’s more where they came from. I’m flying. I’m in form. I’m battering the east coast. I’ve been sober like 7 days now. Profits are up. Tail is up. Regulators are mounted up. Here are my bets for this weekend:

Saturday 3^rd

Man United v Arsenal.

The Artnul can wildly celebrate being in the last 8 of the Rumbelows all they like this is a different mission altogether. 5-7 was the maddest shit I’ve seen since the 8-2 last season. We all know how this one ends. Since the start of 2008, Arsenal’s record at Old Trafford reads as such: P8 W0 D1 L7 GS4 GC20. Fergie’s got Wenger’s number here. I’m not saying it will be anything like last season but fits and bursts so far (since the start of the season: (0-0-2-6-2-1-6-1-3-3-0-0-1-4(7)) and United are just scoring (0-3-3-4-1-2-2-3-2-3-4-3-3-3(4)) and conceding (22 in 14 games!) for fun. It should be noted that although United games so far in the league are averaging over 4 goals per game, Arsenal games are only averaging 2.2 – this is skewed however by the fact that Steve Bould was actually doing his job at the start of the season whereas now he’s found Pat Rice’s old sketchbook he is pre-occupied.

This also obviously doesn’t take into account the 23 goals in the Shaka Hislop testimonial on Tuesday night. THRILLERWATCH: Four of United’s fourteen games this season have ended 3-2 to United. I noted this last weekend and scratched it off. They won 3-2. I’m not missing that bus for the fifth time this season! (note: Spurs won here 2-3 and if they can this hormonal Arsenal side can too – at least once every 45 games) I’m even happier to buy goals and Arsenal’s captain to add to the 7 he’s got already this season. The way Van Persie is playing at the moment it’s tough not to fancy him to score against anyone but against a back four that a) Jason Roberts caused mayhem against and b) are in love with him, I’ll be amazed if he doesn’t score at least once. Hurricane Sanjay.

0.3pts: UNITED WIN 3-2 – 25/1 general

0.2pts: ARSENAL WIN 3-2 – 45/1 with BetVictor

2pts: OVER 3.5 GOALS – 7/4 with Ladbrokes

3pts: OVER 2.5 GOALS – 4/6 with StanJames and Ladbrokes

3.5pts: VAN PERSIE SCORE ANYTIME – 11/10 with BetVictor and SportingBet

0.5pts: VAN PERSIE HAT-TRICK – 20/1 with Bet365, BetVictor, StanJames and Ladbrokes

Fulham v Everton, Norwich v Stoke, Sunderland v Villa

BROLIN. Although Fulham have only dropped 3 points at home so far, they have drawn two of their last three and play a decent Everton side who have drawn three on the bounce including their last two away games. DAHLIN. Although Norwich recently beat Arsenal and Tottenham at home (both flaky) they shared points at home earlier in the season with both QPR and West Ham and they face draw machines Stoke (9 games 6 draws). BROLIN.  Sunderland’s games:draws ratio is more remarkable than Stoke’s. O’Neill’s draw specialists have drawn three quarters of their games this season. They bump into a Villa side who have drawn two of their last four in the league and would happily come away from Sunderland with another point. Speculative treble on three draws. These look like three tight pussies to me.

0.5pts: DRAW TREBLE – 37/1 with Skybet

Charlton v Middlesbrough

Anoraks City Bitch. No fucking about here. Me and my girlfriend went to a fancy dress party the other night we went as CASINO. She was Ginger and I was Lester, not De Niro no, the creepy perv with the string vest. She just cant keep away from this candy. This guy is a loser, he always had a hard luck story. This is where we are different. Games like this make me a winner. If Charlton lose, I win. If Charlton don’t lose, I lose. Middlesbrough are third, have won five on the bounce including a big win over Sunderland for them in the week and their last five away straight. The only worry is that Charlton are that little bit fresher, maybe but Boro have got no injuries and are flying. I like the look of them to get a sixth straight win here. The eye in the sky is watching us all.

2pts: BORO TO WIN – 2/1 with BetVictor

Sheff Wednesday v Peterborough

Although Peterborough are 21^st they are 5^th in the form table. With four wins from their last six games they are on the up. Wednesday not so much. They beat a dogshit Ipswich side last time out (3pts from 11 games) but before that had only taken 2pts from 9 games themselves. This is another six-pointer down the bottom but Peterborough are the form side of the two and Wednesday have only taken 1 point from their last four home games. Away win is a big price.

1pt: PETERBOROUGH TO WIN – 7/2 with BetVictor

Sunday 4^th

Liverpool v Newcastle

One good bet I missed out on in the week was Swansea to win at Anfield 5/1. Big price. Newcastle are the same price here and that appeals to me. Ok, Liverpool will have a proper team out on Sunday but Newcastle are a threat to anyone, a danger to society and ready to loot. If Demba Ba (7 goals in 9 games) is fit he starts and Liverpool have only kept clean sheets against Stoke and Reading in the league this season. 11/4 is Fair Trade on the lad from Timbuktu getting another one. Although Liverpool struggle to score at home, Newcastle have let in 13 goals in 9 games and both teams are averaging over 2.5 total goals in their games. You rarely see Both Teams To Score priced up at 10/11 in a game with so many attackers flying about so I’m gonna be a bad muslim.

1pt: NEWCASTLE TO WIN – 5/1 general
1pt: DEMBA BA SCORE ANYTIME – 11/4 with BlueSq and 888sport
2pts: BOTH TEAMS TO SCORE – 10/11 with WilliamHill

12 bets, Stake 17.00

Hi guys. I’m going big on the early one on Saturday hopefully this will get me off to a good start. I’m staking two thirds of my running kitty on this weekend spread across twelve bets. Although a 100% loss on the weekend would leave me with less than what I started with, I’ve been there before and I’m down for whatever. I need to stay calm when I need to stay calm and go big when I see fit. This is one of those weekends. Now get the fuck out of my grill

 Enjoy the football this weekend chaps and if you don’t win any money make sure you get out there and have full sex with a woman *pumps fists*

Tweet me @drtwerp no funky shit and no I don’t have webcam

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