Diary of a Punter: My Weekend Action

Two weeks without any full fixture list takes the mick. San Marino? Poland? Just f off. Real football has returned and just in time so have my mad skills. I had a big bet on goals at Port Vale on Monday night and wallop goals there was.

Tuesday I had a couple of pubes on no goalscorer in the U21s game and I still count that as a 0-0, 95^th minute winners shouldn’t count. I was glad the juniors got a kicking just for doing that to me! Danny Rose shouldn’t have booted the ball into the crowd either the cheeky little sod. Tuesday was apeshit! And it got more bananas too! It pissed down all over Europe and led to freaky results all over the place. Accumulators are anyway but nights like this are a bookie’s wet dream. Spain didn’t win? What? Germany were 4-0 up? Huh? What the f*ck Slim Shady? Busted coupons everywhere. My own accumulator was let down only by Portugal failing to beat Northern Ireland. Wankers. As expected the England game on Wednesday was s* and it paid off going under 2.5 goals. A small profit for me this week but it’s better than a loss. I got back on my horse and here is how:

Port Vale v Oxford – 5pts: OVER 2.5 GOALS – 4/5 +9.00

                   0.5pts: OVER 3.5 GOALS – 2/1 -0.50

          1pt: TOM POPE TO SCORE ANYTIME – 6/5 +2.20

Poland v England – 2pts: UNDER 2.5 GOALS – 8/11 +3.45

    1pts: BOTH TEAMS TO SCORE: NO – 37/40 -1.00

Bury v Carlisle – 1.2 pts: CARLISLE TO WIN – 6/4 -1.20

              0.2 pts: CARLISLE TO WIN 2-1 – 17/2 -0.20

ACCUMULATOR: 1pt: USA (v Guatemala), BELGIUM (v Scotland), MOLDOVA (v San Marino), PORTUGAL (v Northern Ireland), ARGENTINA (v Chile), MEXICO (v El Salvador) – 21/1 -1.00

8 bets, Stake 11.90, Returns 14.65

Midweek Profit/loss:  +2.75 (+23%)

Total Profit/loss (from a starting kitty of 11.25pts): +8.77 (+78%)

After two weeks without a normal weekend I’m absolutely itching. I’m going bigger than ever this weekend twerps and I’m staking my entire kitty (including all profit so far this season) on sixteen bets across six games. My bollocks are out. Both of them. Here are my bets for the weekend’s football. Baby got back:

Friday 19^th October

Sheffield Wednesday v Leeds

Leeds go to Hillsborough on Friday night in good form (4 wins from 5 all by a single goal). Wednesday couldn’t be in worse shape having taken 1 point from 7 games. I’ve come unstuck before feeling the need to bet on a Friday night but regardless, odds of 23/10 on Leeds getting a result here are too juicy to ignore. Although Wednesday only lost 0-1 in their last home game, their previous 5 at home all saw over 2.5 goals. Similarly Leeds last 5 away games have all had over 2.5 goals and with both sides games this season averaging around 3.5 I’m as happy as a paedo in Speedo’s to buy more here. Saville’s sex den was in Leeds. Dirty, dirty Leeds. Wednesday have been losing at half-time in 8 of their 10 games this season and Leeds have been in front in exactly half of theirs. Small stakes on HT/FT looks good to me too.

2.5pts: OVER 2.5 GOALS – 5/6 with Coral

1pt: LEEDS TO WIN – 23/10 with Pinnacle

0.5pts: LEEDS TO WIN BY ONE GOAL – 4/1 with BetVictor

0.5pts: LEEDS HT/FT – 9/2 with BetVictor

Saturday 20^th October

Crystal Palace v Millwall

Palace have a smelly old ground made of wood and the best thing ever to happen there was when Cantona battered that tramp in the leather jacket. However, they are the form team in the Championship and I expect them to beat Millwall in the early kick-off Saturday afternoon. South London derby or not, Palace have taken 16 points from their last 6 games and have won 4 on the spin. Millwall have only beaten the Peterborough Pigeons away from the den this season and no-one likes them anyway. This game ended 0-0 last November but Palace took 4 points off Millwall last season. Home win for me. Both teams have scored in 10 of the Eagles 12 games this season and 9 of the Lions 11 games. With that in mind, if you don’t think both teams will score you’re off your tits bruv.

2pts: CRYSTAL PALACE TO WIN – 11/10 Coral

1.5pts: BOTH TEAMS TO SCORE – 8/11 with Coral

Norwich v Arsenal

Let’s get really honest: Hope Powell is a fine manager but her Norwich team are shit. Their twelfth man didn’t help them against Liverpool who banged in 5 past them and they come into this game off the back of conceding 4 against Chelsea. The bigboys seem to roll these fuckers over easily. After getting hammered 5-0 by Fulham on the opening day Norwich tightened up. Looks to me like they’ve loosened right up again though. I fancy Arsenal will batter Norwich.  After a slow start Arsenal have beaten Southampton, Liverpool, West Ham, Coventry and Olympiakos all by more than one goal and although missing a few players, they have enough swagger to outclass all twelve Norwich players from the off. Go home Delia you old drunk.

1.5pts: ARSENAL TO WIN (-1) – 6/4 with BlueSq

0.5pts: ARSENAL TO WIN BOTH HALVES – 11/4 with Paddy Power

Man United v Stoke

Everyone calls Stoke an unfashionable club. They might want to address that by sacking Tony Pulis. Full kit wanker (with cap) that he is. Sack the stylist Tone. He makes Alex Ferguson look like a fucking Kardashian. I love the Kardashians, I love a bird with a big arse. I would not keep a clean sheet with Kim. A United clean sheet used to be a certainty in games like this but not so much thesedays. At times this season United have been made to look very poor at the back by teams who play football through the middle (Spurs, Liverpool, Fulham, Galatasaray). Stoke don’t though they come with the usual long-ball tactics that fired blanks against Liverpool, Arsenal and Chelsea so far this season. I won money a couple of weeks ago  after an international break backing United to win “to nil” and I’m going for the same bet here. United have only kept 3 clean sheets so far this season but looked as solid as they have for a while against Newcastle (who have a much bigger dick than Stoke). Stoke have nicked draws at Liverpool, Wigan and Reading but United will score and 1-0 will do me fine. United have got Champions League on Tuesday and Chelsea next weekend so Robin Van Pussycruiser might not get 90 minutes. A better value goalscorer bet is ten year old cartoon character Rafael who bombs forward particularly at Old Trafford and has scored twice already in six games this season.

2pts: UNITED TO WIN “TO NIL” – 20/19 with bWin

0.2pts: RAFAEL TO SCORE FIRST – 28/1 with Coral

0.3pts: RAFAEL TO SCORE ANYTIME – 9/1 with Coral

West Ham v Southampton

After starting the season with 3 clean sheets in 4 games, West Ham have forgotten how to defend. Wigan went to East London and banged 4 past them in the league cup before Arsenal went there and slipped another 3 straight up their arse. One thing you know you’re getting if you go to a Southampton game is goals. No point even bothering with the stats but they are averaging OVER 4.5 goals a game! West Ham have injuries at the back and with the Andy Carrol/Kevin Nolan partnership back together this weekend there should be more here. Carroll looked like one of the 300 on his West Ham debut and Nolan feeds off him. He’s on penalties, scored 3 goals already this season (13 last season) and did that shit hippy celebration 29 times in the two seasons he played with Carroll at Newcastle. And he’s in my dream team. Goals for sure in this fixture and Kev might get one.

3pts: BOTH TEAMS TO SCORE – 4/6 with bet365

0.5pts: OVER 3.5 GOALS – 9/5 with Coral

1pt: KEVIN NOLAN TO SCOREANYTIME – 12/5 with BlueSq

Sunday 21^st October

QPR v Everton

There is something about Everton I like. Funny how the blue half of any local rivalry seem to be the likeable underdogs (Millwall aside). I went to an away game there years ago and the place fucking rocked. I’ve never been to QPR and I never will. I backed Everton HTFT at Wigan and I’m having another crack at it here. Everton have been in front at half-time in 4 out of their 7 games, QPR have been behind at half-time in the same amount of games. QPR haven’t impressed me so far (Everton have) and have lost four on the bounce. Even though they are without human battering ram and chest-machine Fellaini, Everton are strong in midfield and should have too much for QPR. I’m having an eight of gear on Everton to do the HTFT trick here on Sunday but any potential losses are more than covered by lumping on there being over 2.5 goals. In only two of all QPR’s games this season and two of Everton’s so far has there been less than this amount.

2.5pts: OVER 2.5 GOALS – 10/11 with Stan James

0.5pts: EVERTON TO WIN HT/FT – 11/4 with BlueSq

Enjoy the football this weekend men. Good luck everybody and remember: Be yourself, that’s what’s really cool.

Twerp me @drtwerp on twitter. I talk more shit than anyone you know.

I MISS HER