Diary of a Punter: Hat-trick of Profit Landed

Firstly we are three diaries into the season and @DrTwerp has found three successive profits. 30% last weekend, 80% in the week and 32% this weekend. No lies, bare truth.

Now do me a favour and answer this yes or no question honestly please: Think back. Do you remember your first blow-job?  Yes? What did it taste like? Haha 1-0. Take that to the bank. You see I was asked that question once and said yes too. Short term pain = long term gain. Just say no.

However, childish joke aside, that is not to say I always learn my lessons. Readers of this diary will know I went into last Saturday already behind due to getting dazzled by the Friday night lights and I did the same again this weekend. Considerable losses not only on Friday night but on the Man City v Arsenal game bookending an otherwise fantastic weekend at the surgery. Profit was secured largely due to Robin Van Persie not getting a kick all game then banging in the winner. I suppose that’s what you get for £24,000,000. Thank you Coral and your crazy 2/1 price for him to sh*t in Reina’s cup.

I went big this weekend, placing 16 bets in total. Had City held on for another ten minutes, Papa John Cisse scored his penalty or Blackburn even turned up things would have been even sweeter. Like chocolate boy. Below is a breakdown of how my 16 bets fared this weekend:
 

Blackburn v Boro – 1.25pts:  BLACKBURN TO WIN – 5/6 -1.25 1 pt: RHODES SCORE ANYTIME – 5/4 -1.00, 0.25 pts: RHODES TO SCORE HAT-TRICK – 28/1 -0.25

WBA v Reading – 0.4 points: WEST BROM TO WIN “TO NIL” – 21/10 +1.24, 0.6 points: WEST BROM TO WIN – 5/6 +1.10

Newcastle v Norwich -1.5 points: NEWCASTLE TO WIN – 8/11 +2.59, 0.5 points: NEWCASTLE TO WIN (-1) – 2/1 -0.5

West Ham v Sunderland – 1 pt: UNDER 2.5 GOALS – 20/23 +1.87, 0.25 pts: NO G’SCORER – 10/1 -0.25

Peterborough v Wolves – 1.5 points: WOLVES TO WIN – 5/4 +3.38

Liverpool v Man United – 0.25 pts: RVP TO SCORE FIRST – 6/1 -0.25, 2 pts: RVP TO SCORE ANYTIME – 2/1 +6.00, 0.25pts: HT UTD FT DRAW – 16/1 -0.25, 1.5 pts: BOTH TEAMS TO SCORE – 8/11 +2.59

Man City v Arsenal – 1.5 pts: MAN CITY TO WIN – 4/5 -1.50, 0.5 pts: MAN CITY TO WIN BY ONE GOAL – 3/1 -0.5

Stake 14.25, Returns 18.77, Profit/loss: +4.52 (32%)

Profit on profit on profit is like three chicks stacked up. A rare and beautiful thing to behold in the flesh. Probably. Basically from a starting stake of 11.25pts before last weekend there is now 23.53pts to bet with. +109%.

What is the only thing better than three chicks stacked up? No not three geezers! Four chicks. Correct. So with minimal domestic action this week (up your bollocks League Cup), grab your passport and set sail with me on my adventures into Europe (via Blackpool tonight) and lets bring home a fourth. Here are my bets for the midweek fixtures:

Monday 24^{th –} Blackpool v Huddersfield

I went to Thorpe Park last week and it was absolutely filthy. I went on a Monday and the amount of tramps with pocketfuls of social money running around made me feel so rich. I doubt they even noticed it was dirty as they were so excited. Not here, excitement or not, the Dr notices everything. Whilst backing Blackpool (-1) or HT/FT might immediately appeal let’s bear in mind Huddersfield have won two in a row, are unbeaten in five and have had the luxury of an extra two days rest for this one.

Although Blackpool ironed out Ipswich (6-1) and Middlesbrough (4-1) in their last two home games, Huddersfield have only lost by more than one goal in 4 out of 46 away games so don’t get smoked too often. Unlike me, I not only host the world-famous blazedown in Leysdown every other Thursday but I’m the oldest there by a good few years. Blackpool find goals easier to come across than anything at home and Huddersfield scored 5 in their last two away games. Paul Ince’s son Tommy was actually born female and 6 goals in 6 games this season is proper Girl Power. I backed her to score first against Boro and I’m going with the same bet here again at flame-grilled prices.

0.5 pts: INCE TO SCORE FIRST – 13/2 with Paddy Power

2 pts: OVER 2.5 GOALS – 8/11 with Totesport

0.5 pts: OVER 3.5 GOALS – 9/5 with SportingBet

Deportivo v Sevilla

Like superstar disc jockey David Guetta I’m in Blackpool one minute and Spain the next. Work is work. To be honest, I’ve actually forgotten what real work is like. The last bit of proper work I did was on a pub roof near Wembley. I was working with Trigger and Dirty John.  Fu*k me what a crew. Trigger’s sweet I’ve known him for years he’s proper good stuff but Dirty John is fu*king disgusting. Don’t get me wrong, shit hot round a bit of Asphalt but truly vile. He had yellow slime coming out of his mouth. Yellow slime! Urgh. Slimer. He was an horrible bastard and I ended up more-or-less ignoring him in case I saw the slime again. Sometimes it is impossible to ignore things though.

Take this game for example: Seville have drawn their last 4 away games (1-1,0-0,1-1,0-0) and newly promoted Deportivo have drawn 3 on the bounce. Small stakes on the draw would normally make sense however Seville beat Real Madrid 1-0 last Saturday and should win again here. Both clubs have seen less than 2.5 goals in four out of five of their last matches and there is nothing Dirty John/Juan can say or do (I’m still ignoring him anyway) to suggest a goal frenzy.

1.2 pts: SEVILLE TO WIN (DRAW NO BET) – 5/6 with Coral

0.8: UNDER 2.5 GOALS – 10/11 with 188bet

Tuesday 25^{th –} Frankfurt v Borussia Dortmund

Next stop Germany. Having looked at Serie A and not found anything I like let us head to Germany in search of profit, house music and E’s. I remember very little about my time in Germany but one thing I do remember is being pulled out of my bed by my ARSEHOLE HAIRS.

Achtung baby: Newly promoted Frankfurt (p4w4, scored 11) are top of the Bundy and host Dortmund (away:p2d1L1). Dortmund are champions yes, but they lost key players over the summer and the Bundesliga is fucking mEnTaL by nature. Dortmund lost 3-2 on Saturday to pointless Hamburg and might not be as good as last year’s title winning side but will still score goals.  Two thirds of Dortmund’s and all five of Frankfurt’s this season have brought +2.5 goals and this one should be no different.

0.5 pts: FRANKFURT TO WIN – 31/10 with Bwin
2 pts: OVER 2.5 GOALS – 7/10 with SportingBet

Try as I might there is nothing on Wednesday or Thursday that appeals to me from a betting perspective so I won’t force it. Diary Of A Punter goes up again on Thursday with my bets for the weekend and previous Diaries are at the bottom of this page just scroll down.

Enjoy the football this week everybody and with a bit of luck win some money.

Please follow me @drtwerp on twitter for all thins sports betting and general bollocks.

In other news, if there a better insult out there than SHITEHAWK I’m yet to hear it.